We make many decisions every day; starting with if we will get out of bed to when we will crawl back into it.
Not all decisions are equal
Think about the worst decision you ever made? Were there consequences…HARSH consequences? If you only knew then what you know now, you may have never made the choices you did.
Then why did you? It’s easy to say “I was young and stupid.” or “I didn’t know any better.”
You’re not stupid
It’s time to figure out how to stop screwing up your life. It’s time to stop lying to yourself.
One of the lies: We don’t believe our decisions are important. Or at least we don’t believe most of them are important. So, without much thought we decide getting to the gym isn’t a priority today. We can catch up tomorrow or next week. Likewise, we don’t see the impact of sitting down with a bag of chips while we relax in front of the television.
It’s certainly not just our health we lie about. Anyone who has wondered where that friend disappeared to or ruined a relationship, job, or business can also see the ‘little’ decisions we make every day turn into very large consequences. We should have stayed in touch, made them feel important, worked harder, or smarter.
Another Lie
Another lie is putting ourselves last because we believe our needs aren’t important. We say “I don’t need anything. As long as I have love everything else will be fine.” Oh boy, this is one I used to tell myself all the time. Only when love doesn’t last or worse, turns into something painful, it doesn’t make the car payment. When you feel like all you do is cook, clean, work, and take care of others, it doesn’t fill you up. It only makes you feel empty and unworthy of anything better. When this happened to me, I felt like I was starving. I was…emotionally.
We aren’t children anymore
It’s not someone else’s responsibility to take care of us. Did we get lazy and unfortunate enough to find someone who was a caregiver. When that happens it becomes easier to let them do for us what we should be doing for ourselves.
TRUTH: It isn’t the responsibility of the people who love you to make your life easier. They may want to. They may even have your best interest at heart. However, it’s important to understand, they don’t know what you need other than the basics. And face it, they are flawed humans doing their best to get their own lives together. What happens to you when they are trying to fulfill their own needs and it conflicts with yours? It’s not fair to them and it isn’t good for you either. It’s draining to take care of someone else all the time. Ask any parent of a toddler or those with parents who can no longer care for themselves. We need to be responsible for our own happiness and life circumstances. Only we can know our deepest desires and dreams.
The airlines have it right when they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping someone else.
Why…oh why did I do that?
In simple terms, you make the decisions you do because it satisfies a desire, a need, or it was an easy temptation. Which do you think is more important a desire or a need? Even though the obvious answer is a need, it is NOT even close to a desire or a want in regards to how much it motivates us.
We may believe we are creatures of reason, yet in reality we are creatures of emotion much more so than reason.
You may see a shirt and your gut tells you immediately “I have to have that!” There is no logic is the process. Not yet. However, when you face the reality of giving up the money in your wallet or putting yet another item on your credit card, THAT is when you start to reason. “That would look good with my jacket. I don’t have anything that really goes with it and it’s my favorite color.” This is how we rationalize a desire.
This doesn’t just happen with things. It happens in all areas of our lives.
The last time someone made you mad, your first instinct was to give them a piece of your mind. If it was a boss, you may have decided to quit your job or say something you’ll regret. Your knee-jerk reaction may not have had the desired results. Yet, you’ll rationalize that too; a lot of good that will do.
You have needs
Of course you do. Even if we don’t give them conscious thought, they are there. The basics: Food, clothes, lodging, transportation, healthcare.
There are also 5 broad categories of emotional needs: To feel safe, stable, nurtured and accepted. To have some autonomy, to feel competent and to have a sense of identity. To have the freedom to express your own needs and emotions. To be able to act spontaneously and to play.
Opportunity or doing what’s easy
We absolutely make decisions based on opportunity.
How many times have you grabbed food, not because you were hungry, but because it was there? As I write this, there is a new batch of brownies on the kitchen counter and I am celebrating losing 4 lbs. Oh how those brownies call me. See what I mean?
Doing what is easy is a slippery slope. We don’t want our lives to be a constant challenge. Stress is a leading causing of health problems. Yet, doing what is easy, the bare necessities to get by, is also unhealthy. It takes effort to eat healthy. It takes effort to have vibrant and healthy relationships, no matter if they are personal or professional. Without making consistent effort to keep relationships alive, they will vanish or die.
I don’t want to be in the kind of relationship where I am taken for granted or ignored. We all want to feel important. I’m no different. I want to feel valued to family, friends, spouse, and clients.
How do we stop making such bad decisions?
Before you respond to the jerk at work or that snide comment that slipped through your honey’s lips, make a decision by asking yourself: “How do I want this interaction to end?” Before you cut yourself a delicious, gooey, chocolate brownie, ask yourself: “How do I want to look and feel?” Before you decide to take a job, get married, have children, get a dog, move to a new location, for Goodness Sake, make a CONSCIOUS decision to ask yourself “Is this in alignment with what I want and who I want to be?”
Who do I want to be?
This is the challenge we face. Instead of digging deep and doing the work needed for self discovery we run this way and that, chasing our desires.
The clients I’ve worked with in my coaching business all have a different vision for their lives. It’s eye opening to them to realize they have been unconsciously making the decision to chase after other’s visions for their lives instead of their own. It’s only after we work together they are able to get a crystal-clear vision of who they are and what they truly want.
What is the best decision you’ve NEVER made?
There are many choices which we look back on and realize they were the wrong ones. There’s nothing we can do about those past decisions.
Now…Today, we have a chance to make better decisions. How much time do you spend fulfilling other’s wishes and goals? When you do the math, there is some serious imbalance. Decide to make YOUR endgame, YOUR happiness, and fulfillment, a priority. I’m not suggesting you become selfish and neglect those you love and your obligations. Just spend some time each day to work on your dreams. Realize each decision you make has consequences now and in your future. Make a commitment to bringing your own visions to life.
Make a commitment to live a life of intention.
