Mom taught me a valuable lesion; to take PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for my actions.
If I did something wrong I was forced to do what was within my power to make things right. If that wasn’t possible then I was made uncomfortable by losing privileges or having more responsibility put on me in the form of unpleasant chores. These were valuable lessons and I believe they are the responsibility of every parent to teach their children.
It’s reasonable to carry this moral code into adulthood. If, as an adult, we cause harm to someone, we apologize and do what we can to make things right. But it is beyond irritating to witness the carless actions of others ‘getting away’ with bad behavior. We want them to be held accountable just as we were and hold ourselves accountable.
Sadly, in some of our lives, there are those who weren’t taught this lesson. They feel they can live by a different set of rules then the rest of us. Not only do they feel they aren’t accountable or responsible for their actions, but they’ve figured out how to TWIST things and make us feel like what happened was OUR FAULT.
There are extreme cases where an ABUSER will tell their victim that they, themselves, caused the abuser to act a certain way. “If you didn’t back talk me, I wouldn’t have to hit you.” “If you kept the house cleaner, I wouldn’t get so mad when I get home.” And it doesn’t just happen at home: “If you would have done your job, I would have been able to get the report finished.”
This happens on much more subtle levels too. Abuse isn’t just about being hit. Abuse can be a VERBAL ATTACK with hateful words or being told you are not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. through direct language or subtle degrading of your self-esteem.
Something happens here that can cause years of misery. We review our personal behaviors and question our motives and actions. We WANT to do the right thing. We want to be good people. So, when we are told we are to blame for something, we ‘take the high road’ and try to make amends.
But wait, we didn’t do anything wrong. We know we didn’t.
So, HOW DO WE STOP taking the blame, apologizing, and allowing ourselves to feel as if we did?
WHY DO WE LET THIS HAPPEN?:
-We don’t like confrontation.
-It’s EASIER to diffuse the situation and just move on.
-We’re in a public place and are embarrassed.
-Nobody ever taught us how to stand up for ourselves.
WHY WE SHOULD STOP THIS?:
Being accused of something you didn’t do or waiting for the next unpleasant situation to come up causes us to live in a stress state. There are mountains of reports that explain how bad and even DEADLY stress can be. Just a few things having too much stress can cause are:
-A weakened immune system
-High blood pressure
-Headaches
-Fatigue
-Depression
-Anxiety
-And even Heart Disease
HOW TO REACT WHEN THIS HAPPENS?:
STAY CALM & PEACEFUL: We think much better in a calm state and coming from a place of anger will not make things better.
USE ‘I’ STATEMENTS: I did not do or say that.
BE KIND: I’m sorry that happened to you.
BE CLEAR: But, I did not cause it and WILL NOT take responsibility for it.
KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR MIND: This is not an argument. They are entitled to think however they want. You are not here to fix them.
