I feel like time was stolen. Enjoying friends one day and knowing I was really sick the next. My throat burned like fire on the inside and itched on the outside. I had headaches every day and my voice went from normal to sick/sexy to sounding like I could do voice-overs for the trailers of disaster movies. When someone heard me it was always “You sound awful!” I sure felt awful.

At first I was able to do some writing and business admin work as long as it didn’t require talking. I wrote copy for my website and entered receipts. My daily joyful walk in the forest with my dog became as labored as my breathing and then slower and shorter. If he was able to take care of business we turned home right away. There was no enjoying the scenery although one log became my favorite because I could sit on it for a few moments before moving on. I applauded my ability to write some for my blog. I even ordered a microphone that I hoped would arrive to find myself in full voice again. I was included in prayers and as I greeted my pastor through an open window as he set soup on the porch, he said “You sound like a completely different person. Please don’t come outside.”

At night, breathing became my full time job. It got to where I got emotional when it was time for bed. “No, I don’t want to go through that again. Please” I cried inside. Lying down meant I would cough and not stop. I drank two bottles of cough syrup, pulled tablets out of foil packages, sucked on lozenges that seemed to leave my throat even dryer, and even dared the Nettie Pot. Warm salt water became my friend. I kept a glass full to warm in the microwave whenever I couldn’t stand it.

My dog was satisfied to be taken by someone else to the park or just find a spot outside the backdoor. When I woke and jerked erect to hopefully expel a speck of offending goo, I would see him awake sitting at the end of the bed watching. I remembered stories of dogs that knew of serious illnesses before anyone else did and I wondered. I was too tired to keep the negative thoughts away. They were like the imagined, inhaler induced giant spider that descended down from the ceiling. I yelled and pawed at the air to keep it away. Leaping out of bed and beating the blankets to kill it. I woke up standing by the side of the bed with my husband standing on the other side breathing heavy and saying “What? What? What?” as I started to realize where I was and what had happened.

As my strength slowly started to get better my mind went the other direction. Lack of sleep made it very hard to do much but watch movies under a blanket while propped up on mountains of pillows. I celebrated the day I washed my sheets and then myself. Back under covers; my strength drained for the day. Finally a day I felt I could venture out for a short trip ended up with me sitting at an outside table at the farmers market having an asthma attack. I didn’t have my inhaler and had to wait till the retching coughing subsided with spittle dripping from my lips. I covered my face. I don’t’ know if anyone noticed. I didn’t want to know. Twice more that day I had attacks. Attacks I haven’t had for more than 5 years when I smoked. They frightened me. I was fighting for my breath. The next day I took myself to the hospital because my primary care doctor didn’t have any openings to see me. They were so kind. I have a new, non-spider inducing inhaler and some tablets to calm the coughing urge. I slept for 5 hours straight last night. I wish I could say it made the coughing from 2:30 to 6:00 am less tiresome. I’m not over it. But I see the end in sight. I’ll tell you what I’ve learned. I’ve learned to be grateful for all the healthy days, the loved ones that care and presents dropped off on porches even if they don’t come with hugs.

My heart goes out to everyone who is suffering from any illness and those who love them.